‏مشاهدة الفيديو

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خلِص الحكي؟
‏
لا ما خلِص الحكي

‏لا الوجع ولا القتل ولا الجوع ولا الرعب خلِص ليش الحكي بدو يخلص؟

‏ ما دام الصوت والصورة تحت القصف مستمرة

‏ وجوه عم تحكي معنا كل دقيقة بدها تعرف إنه عم نسمعها

‏عم ‏نتعود عليها تعطينا أمان أنها بعدها موجودة

‏ووجوه عم نفقدها

‏وجوه مش كلنا انتبهنا لها

‏لكن بس راحت تأثرنا فيها وبكينا عليها

‏ وبعد دقيقة دورنا على وجوه جديدة نسمعها وننشوفها

‏خارج غزة

عم نشوف وجوه ما كنا بحياتنا متخيلين نشوفها تتنقهر وتبكي معنا

‏ظلينا نحكي احنا وهنّ
ما خلينا حدا إلا لقينا طريقة تميزهن عنا
لنشوف حالنا عليهن او نتمنا نكون زيهم
‏ وهنّ طلعوا احنا

‏ما في شي خلِص

‏لأنه ‏يمكن فلسطين قصة ما بتخلص

‏ كل ما عم يتآمرو ‏عليها أكثر

كل ما فلسطين عم تكبر أكثر

‏ وكل ما عم يكبر معناها‏

فلسطين حرّه

‏

It’s been ten years since you left us.

It feels like a split second with you and a lifetime mourning your loss already.

It also took a split second for my eyes to tear up, bringing you fully into my consciousness today.

There is not a single thing—or several things or people—that can console someone’s greatest loss. For me, the emotional weight of the 630-plus days of ongoing genocide in Gaza—where loss has taken on a new definition—stirs my whole being to feel the magnitude of the loss each survivor experiences for every loved one they have lost. Each loved one is a lifetime of memories; each loss is an ocean of mourning.

Five years ago, I made this video celebrating you—my Rima—and our sisterhood.

It was a small project completed in ten days that ignited a passion buried for fifteen years. Since then—after thousands of hours of learning and significant expense—I can’t imagine myself without being an active audio/visual storyteller.

That spark is still with me as I work on a short film to celebrate Mama, who is thankfully, in some form, still with us today. I think of you as I go through every scene in my humble attempt to also show the Mama you cherished so much.

I hope you’ll love it not only because she’s your mama too, but because your existence is a big part of why and how I am making it.

Gaza is where the sun sets. Everyday, it sets.

The 100 days has almost quadrupled.

No longer a moment.

Something else entirely.

A lot of Death. Injury. Loss. Desperation.

Being alive today in Gaza is more of status of not being killed yet. We like to call it steadfastness. But that’s us not them.

Because there is them, those in Gaza, and there is us, everywhere else.

They plead everyday for the world to stop the war.

They provide proof, a story after a photo after a video after words and after sounds.

We shared. We protested. We pleaded so loud. Every day and then some.

What I thought was a moment is now the everyday.

Not that we got used to it. But we did get used to it.

I don’t understand the world before. That world was a dream? Maybe not.

That world was a hallucination, mind you collectively selective.

Collectively awakening or a selective devastation?

I often feel I am letting them down.

But did we?

They who are alive-still, feel let down as some have said, repeatedly.

But who let them down?

Was there a moment when we did something of a clear consequence of letting them down?

or was it our previous "everyday"?

I think truly, we give ourselves too much credit and thus privilege when we think we let them down.

I think it’s a subconscious way of hiding our own mega let down.

Because are levels of every emotion. More like shades. Not a binary thing.

Like the shades of a sunrise we dream of everyday after watching the sunset.

غزّة

غزّة صارت عندي المكان اللي بتغيب منه الشمس.

كل يوم

الميّة يوم قربوا يصيروا ٤٠٠

بطلت لحظة وبس

صارت شي تاني

فقدان، جرح، حسرة، يأس…

إنك تكون عايش اليوم غزّة يعني لسه ما انقتلت

منحب نسميها صمود و يمكن هي عن جد صمود

بس هذا إحنا، مش هِنّ

لأنه في هِنّ—اللي بغزة—وفي إحنا، بكل مكان تاني

هِنّ عم بيناشدوا العالم كل يوم ليوقفوا الحرب

بيعطوا أدلة قصص، صور، فيديو، كلمات وأصوات.

بنبكي، بننهار، بنحزن. بنعصب،

بننجن

بننشُر، بنِحتج، بنكتُب، بنتبَرع، بنصَرخ...

بس بنفس الوقت، عم نعيش و عم نشتغل و عم نضحك و منتبارَد...

بس في غصّة

في قلب مطْفي

اللي كنت مفكرته لحظة صار هو كل يوم

مش إنه تعوّدنا. بس تعوّدنا

مش فاهمة العالم اللي كنت شابفته قبل. كان حلم؟

يمكن كان هلوسة.

كتير فكرت بموضوع الخذلان.

هِن حاسينه، زي ما عم نسمعم النا شهور

بس مين اللي عم يخذلهم؟

ممكن نكون نحنا؟

هل كان فيه لحظة عملنا فيها إشي معين؟

او عُمُر

عن جد، بحس مرات إنه بنعطي حالنا أهمية كتير أكتر من اللازم لما نقول إنّا نحنا خذلناهم.

يمكن هاي طريقة لا شعورية نغطي فيها على إحساسنا إحنا بالخذلان

في مستويات لكل إحساس، زي درجات، مش كل شي أبيض وأسود

زي درجات شروق الشمس اللي بنحلم فيها بعد ما نشوف اطياف الغروب

هاي اللحظة

النا شي 100 يوم مع هاي اللحظة

عمر

عمر بحاله

و عمر حاول يساعدنا نفهم هاي اللحظة

قصة بعد قصة

زي كأنه عجلة الزمن كانت تتوقف بعد كل اللحظات الي مرقت قبل

وتعيدنا لواقع تاني بحول اللحظة لفصل جديد بنحطه بصندوق لحتى نفتحه المرة الجاي

الي بتجيب لحظة جديدة فيها القصة

عمر ونحنا بنروي القصة و القصة بتروينا

أنتِ او انتَ والقصة ما بننفصل.

هاي اللحظة

النا شي 100 يوم مع هاي اللحظة

القصة بترجع وبتطلع وبتعد بالحلق. بكل صورة. بكل فيديو. بكل كلمة وحجرة وشارع.

بنأسف وبننعي وبننقهر على كل وجه على كل روح، كل بيت، كل شارع، بحلقة متجددة.

وجع حي، عايش، وبالصدارة.

بهاي اللحظة عم تنكتب فصول جديدة بجواتنا. تحويل هائل لفهمنا لقصتنا. لوجودنا.

هل بنقدر نطلع علي المراية ونشوف نسخة من حالنا و القصة بعيدة عنا؟

هاي اللحظة وقصتها الي جابت اللحظة اللي صارت أنت وإنت و أنا.

مبعثرة بس كاملة، من ال48.

هاي يا أصحابي هي الحالة الفلسطينية.

المجد و كل المجد للي في غرة العزة اللي عم نتعلم منهم معنى الحياة والصمود

المجد للي بغرب النهر مرابطين و منتفضين وكمان صامدين،

المجد للى عايشين عند البحيرة وغرب البحر اللي مطرين يعيشو بين الوحوش المحتلين يومًا بعد يوم

المجد للى عم يحتجو بالمهجر، ويكتبون، ويبدعون، ويتبرعون، وبيصرخو بأعلى صوت ليسمع العالم

المجد للمتضامنين، نحن شايفينكم و شايفين إنسانيتكم

نحنا القصة واللحظة والمستقبل.

سلسلة متصلة و مستمرة.

This moment
almost 100 days from this moment
A lifetime
A lifetime of its own
And a lifetime earlier tried to help us understand this moment

Story after story

As if a time wheel stopped after each story and  snaps us back to some other reality where that story is just one of many stories you place in a little box until the next time you hear the story, every time with a bit more detail.

As if a time wheel stopped
after each moment
and snapped us
back to some
other reality where the moment is
transformed

Into a new chapter to place
in a box until the
next moment
A lifetime of telling the story

You and the story, are one, inseparable.

This moment
Almost 100 days from this moment

The story comes back to the surface. You see it in every photo. With every video. With every word, brick, and street.

As you grieve every soul, every home, every street, you grieve some more.

Live, alive, center stage.

Within this moment new chapters are written inside you. Transforming your understanding of your story. Your existence.

Can you look in the mirror and see the version of you where the story is a distance past, out of reach?

The moment brought the story that brought the moment that became you.

Scattered yet whole, since 1948.

This, my friends, is

The Palestinian Condition.

Kudos  to the ones in Gaza who are teaching us what it means to live and to be steadfast.

Kudos to the ones west of the river, east of the sea enduring, resisting and steadfast

Kudos to the ones up near the lake and west at the sea having to live among the brutal occupiers day in and day out

Kudos to the ones elsewhere protesting, writing, creating, donating, and making their voices heard loudly

Kudos to the ones in solidarity, we see your humanity

We are the story the moment and the future.

A continuum.

كيف يمكنني كتابة مقدمة تلخص آخر ٥٠ يومًا؟

أستطيع أن أحاول وصف هذه الحالة، ولكن لا أعتقد أنني أستطيع أن أعطيها حقها.

يمكنني استخدام كلمات مثل الرعب، لكنها لن تصف الرعب الذي يعيشه أهل غزة، ولا تعبر عن رعبنا ونحن نشاهد الأحداث مباشرة على وسائل التواصل الاجتماعي.

وينطبق الشيء نفسه على الألم والحزن  والأسى والغضب والقلق وعدم التصديق وحتى اليأس.

لا يمكن لأي قدر من التعاطف أن يتعاطف.

وربما يحتاج هذا التعاطف أن يُقَدَّم بأفعال لكي تبنيه في تخيل جديد لاستحقاق هذا التعاطف.

وسط كل ذلك، وفي فترات الهروب من وسائل التواصل الاجتماعي والأخبار، جاء حساب لم أتوقع قدومه.

محاكمة للذات، والشتات، والجيل، والوضع الراهن العالمي.

في هذه المقالة، سأشارك أولاً مقتطفات من محاكمتي كنوع من الاعتراف. لا أقصد إصدار أحكام على أحد سوى نفسي. وفي الجزء الثاني، سأشارك تعهدي.

كما هو الحال معي في هذه المدونة، تساعدني الكتابة في تنظيم أفكاري.

الاعترافات

ذاتي

لا أستطيع تحديد اللحظة أو الحدث الذي دفعني إلى عشق الموسيقى والتلفزيون والأفلام الأمريكية/البريطانية عندما كنت مراهقة نشأت بين السعودية وسوريا والأردن. ربما بنات وأبناء خالاتي وأخوالي الأكبر سنا؟

هذا الهوس جعلني مختلفة في المدرسة، كما كان لاسمي وشعري المنكوش تكملة الأثر.

هل هو تمردي المبكر ضد التقاليد العربية التي أرادت أن تقيدني؟

إذ إن جاذبية الغرب أتت بقيم كنت أتوق إليها في تلك السن المبكرة، أهمها الوعد بالحرية. ولكن كما علمت مؤخرًا من بودكاست وائل حلاق. لقد كانت في الغالب حرية أن أفعل وأن أكون، تحت ستار الحرية مما بدا دائمًا مجرد تخلف.

كما أتذكر كثيرًا نتيجة محاولتي القصيرة للهجرة إلى كندا في منتصف الألفية الثانية؛ إيماني بأني سأستطيع تحقيق نصف حياة أينما ذهبت، فالحياة الجيدة من وجهة نظري لا يمكن أن أعيشها كاملة، إلا أن تكون نصفها في الغرب ونصفها الآخر هنا.

على الرغم من هذا الفهم، ظللت كما فعل بعض من صديقاتي وأصدقائي، أحاول استنساخ نسخة مني كمواطنة عالمية، كعربية بدون القيم الرجعية والمنغلقة.

ثم جاءت الصحوة العربية في ٢٠١١، وتجرأنا أن نحلم وقمت حينها أيضاَ بتعهد. يبدو الأمر بعيدًا جدًا كأني سافرت منذ زمن إلى كون مواز. ومع ذلك، أعتقد أن ما جلبته تلك التجربة معها وما بقي معي هو الانتماء إلى شيء جميل، منطقة ذات تاريخ مشترك، وما يجمعنا نحن أهل شرق البحر الأبيض المتوسط هو الأجداد الذين تجولوا في هذه المدن والقرى كما يحلو لهم، سواء كانت عمان أو دمشق أو بغداد أو القاهرة أو بيروت أو القدس أو حلب أو السلط أو نابلس أو الإسكندرية وعشرات البلدات والمناطق بينهما.

ومن هذه التجربة، بدأت لا أهتم بما يعتقده الغربيون بماضيهم الاستعماري الدموي عني وعن شعبي.

لكن مشاهدة وقراءة مواقف المسؤولين الغربيين خلال الأربعين يومًا الماضية لم يكن أقل من مجرد صفعة على وجهي، المعايير المزدوجة والتصريحات اللا إنسانية، والمعاملة التي كان من الصعب جدًا مشاهدتها أو قراءتها. لا لأني اعتقدت للحظة أنهم يهتمون بنا وبأهل غزة وفلسطين، ولكن هجومية التصريحات كانت وقحة جدًا ومؤلمة لدرجة أنه لم يكن من الممكن مشاهدتها على الهواء مباشرة يوم تلو الآخر.

الشتات

قبل السابع من أكتوبر، كان بالنسبة لي كوني فلسطينية هو جزء راسخ من هوية من أنا. لدرجة أنني حتى عندما حاولت الهروب منها، لم أستطع. ما كان بوسعي فعله، وفعلته هو تقديم الأعذار لأبقى راضية عن نفسي، على أقل تقدير.

كما وجدت طريقة لاحتواء الفلسطينية بداخلي لتكون قضيتي وجودية وإمكانية وصول. أنّ إنكار وجود فلسطين قبل عام 1948 كان بمثابة حرماني من تاريخ أجدادي، ووالدي وأعمامي وعماتي وخالاتي وخوالي، والمصاعب التي تحملوها عندما اضطروا إلى الفرار في أوائل عام 1948.

حتى إنني وصفت القضية بأنها جزء من إجلال وتقدير لا أستطيع الهروب منه.

في الأسابيع الماضية، تذكرت محادثة في لقاء مع ابنة عمي، وخاصة ما قلته لها قبل عام.

كنت أذكر كونها نشطة جدًا على وسائل التواصل الاجتماعي خلال حملة الشيخ جراح قبل عامين. وبينما كنا نتحدث، ذكرت أنها لا تزال نشطة، وتبذل جهدًا في القضية الفلسطينية. بطبيعة الحال، هنأتها في البداية، ثم جاء القلق الذي تُرجِم إلى "هل أنت متأكدة من أن هذا هو النضال الذي تريدين بذل كل جهودك من أجله؟ كون القضية بلا نهاية مع القليل من الأمل؟"

كما هو الحال مع كل شيء آخر في حياتي، جزأت فلسطين والقضية والشعب إلى زاوية يمكنني الاهتمام بها كلما كان هناك حدث، أو مذبحة، أو انعطاف سياسي، أو حالة من الفوضى. أو حدث ثقافي أو فيلم للمشاهدة...

الجيل

منذ بضع سنوات، عندما بدأت أفهم ما يعنيه كوني في منتصف أربعينيات عمري، بدأت أشعر بنوع من الذنب الذي لم يكن شخصيًا بل عن جيلي.

أعني أننا عمومًا أمضينا جزءًا كبيرًا من العشرينيات والثلاثينيات من عمرنا في انتقاد جيل آبائنا ونكستهم بالنكسة، بعد أن سمعنا بالطبع من أجدادنا عن نكبتهم بالنكبة، والأحداث ما بينهما. فمن ناحية، كان لديهم أحلامهم وانتماءاتهم السياسية، وبعض الانتصارات الصغيرة هنا وهناك. ولكن الآن وأنا أقترب من الخمسينات، أسأل نفسي ماذا فعلنا من أجل فلسطين؟ ماذا فعلنا من أجل الأردن؟ من أجل لبنان وسوريا؟ هل قمنا على الأقل بحل قضايا حقوق المرأة؟ هل ساهمنا اقتصاديا في التخفيف من حدة الفقر؟ هل قمنا بتغييرات طويلة الأمد في أي من مجتمعاتنا؟ شيء يمكن أن نفخر به كجيل؟

الجنوب العالمي

لا أستطيع أن أصف كيف جعلتني صور المظاهرات في جميع أنحاء العالم أشعر بأننا لسنا وحيدين بحزننا وألمنا وغضبنا. كانت مقاطع الفيديو الداعمة من أشخاص مختلفين مؤثرة، وأعطتنا تأكيداً -للأسف- كانت هناك حاجة إليه.

وعلى الرغم من أهمية التضامن من جانب المجتمعات الغربية، فإنه أظهر مدى بعد الدول القومية في الغرب عن جزء كبير من مجتمعاتها. ومع مرور الأيام، حرصت المزيد والمزيد من المجتمعات من كل مكان على تسمية الإبادة الجماعية والفظائع باسمها.

• الشعب اليهودي المعادي للصهيونية الذي صرخ "ليس باسمنا" و"لن يحدث ذلك مجددا الآن"
• السكان الأصليون لما يعرف الآن بالولايات المتحدة وكندا وأستراليا الذين هتفوا وارتدوا ملابس، وغنوا ورقصوا تضامنًا في الشوارع.
• الجاليات السوداء في الولايات المتحدة تهتف "حياة الفلسطينيين مهمة" و"حياة الناس كلها مهمة".

كَمْ التعلم الذي قام به الكثيرون مذهلاً وبالفعل استثنائي. وخاصة الشتات. سواء كان ذلك التاريخ الفلسطيني، أو تاريخ السكان الأصليين، أو الرأسمالية العالمية، أو المقاطعة، أو بلاك ووتر، وما إلى ذلك.

نشعر كل يوم بكل هذا الحب الجماعي من غرباء جمعتنا بهم إنسانية فلسطين واختفاء أدنى مستويات العدالة منها، ومن أهلها الصامدين.

لتعاطفهم معنا استحقاق، ولعله درس لنا جميعاً بأن همومنا وقضيتنا ليست الضحية الوحيدة لنظام عالمي مبني عل التنافس على الهيمنة فوق أي اعتبار آخر.

التعهد

‎سواء كانت الهدنة قائمة على نحو دائم أم لا؛ إن كيان الاحتلال الوحشي في فلسطين سيواصل فظائعه كما فعل خلال أكثر من قرن.

‎وفي محاولتي لرسم طريق أوضح لنفسي للمضي قدمًا، قررت مجددا أن ألزم نفسي بتعهد. هذه المرة، سيكون الأمر بدرجات متفاوتة من الصعوبة. ولسبب ما، قررت أن أوثقه من خلال ثلاثة أهرامات.

‎يتمحور كل هرم حول نوع من الدعم الذي اعتقدت أنني بحاجة إلى القيام به لأساهم في تحرير فلسطين وكذلك نفسي من الأنظمة التي تحد من حريتي وتضطهدني.

‎يتضمن الرسم التخطيطي الذي أنشأته الأهرامات الثلاثة. وفي كل منها، يزداد مستوى المشقة كلما وصلت إلى القمة.

‎أشاركها معكم كنوع من الالتزام من نفسي للقضية.

هذا مجهود شخصي فما هو صعب بالنسبة لي قد يكون أسهل بالنسبة لك والعكس صحيح.

‎فهي رحلة شخصية للغاية، ولا يمكننا أن نخجّل بعضنا البعض فيها ولا أن يقال لنا ما يجب القيام به، ومتى يمكن القيام بذلك.

وكما أدرك الكثيرون الآن وقالوا: إن مقاومة غزة للحصول على الحرية، جعلتنا أن نرغب في أن نكون أحرارًا أيضًا. وكما هو الحال في غزة، فإن الحرية لها ثمن، ولم ولن تُمنح مجانا.

‎دعونا نتعلم مع ومن بعضنا البعض. ولكل منّا أن يرسم طريقه إلى الحرية.

‎ أتمنى لك طريقاً مقصوداً لحياة حرة ومُرضِية.

Photo by Mohammed Ibrahim on Unsplash

How can I write an introduction that can summarize the past 50+ days?

I can attempt to describe the condition. I can use words like horror but it wouldn’t recount the horror people in Gaza have been experiencing, nor it would express our own while watching the events unfold live on social media.

The same goes for pain, sadness, grief, anger, anxiety, disbelief, and even despair.

No amount of empathy can empathize, maybe compassion delivered in action can begin to show how we feel.

Amid all of that, and within breaks from social media and news, came a reckoning that I didn’t see coming.

A trial of self, of a diaspora, of a generation, and a global status quo.

In this piece, I will first share snippets of my trial as a confession of sorts. I mean no judgment to anyone but myself. In the second part, I will share my pledge.

As always on this blog, writing helps me structure my thoughts and so does this piece.

Thank you for reading.

Confessions

Self

Now, I can’t pinpoint the minute or the event that propelled me to adore American/British music, TV, and film as a teenager brought up between Saudi Arabia, Syria, and Jordan. Maybe my older cousins?

This spark made me different in school, on top of my name and curly hair. Was it my early rebellion against Arab traditions that didn’t make sense to me, against those rules that wanted to confine me?

That allure of the West came with values I craved at that young age, it promised freedom. But as I have recently learned from Wael Hallaq’s recent podcast. It was mostly Freedom TO do and be, under the disguise of being freedom FROM what always seemed just backwardness.

As I frequently recall the outcome of my tiny try to immigrate to Canada in the mid-2000s; I conceded that I will always have a half-life of sorts, a good life in my view then can only be experienced halfway in the West and halfway at home.

Despite that understanding, I kept as did the people I kept company, trying to self-clone a version of me as a global citizen, as an Arab without traditional & closed-minded Arab values.

Then came the Arab Awakening and we dared to dream, I was inspired and declared a pledge then too. Almost 12 years ago now, seems so distant as a parallel universe I have traveled back from. Yet what I think that experience brought with it and what stayed with me is belonging to something beautiful, a region with a shared history, and what we, those who come from the East Mediterranean have had in common are grandparents who roamed around those cities and towns as they pleased, be it Amman, Damascus, Cairo, Beirut, Baghdad, Jerusalem or Aleppo, Salt, Nablus or Alexandria and the dozens of towns and areas in-between.

Somewhere along the way, I started to not really care what Westerners thought of me, and my people, with their bloody colonial past really couldn’t care less.

But to watch and read Western officials' stands the past 40 days was nothing short of a slap on my face, the double standards the inhumane statements, and the treatment were very hard to watch or read. Not that I thought for a second that they did care, but the onslaught of statements was too audacious and hurtful to witness live, day in and day out…

Diaspora

Before Oct. 7th, being Palestinian to me was an identity so entrenched that even when I tried to run away from it, I couldn’t. What I could do and did was to give excuses for being complacent, to say the least.

My intellect found a way to contain the Palestinian in me to be an existential and access issue. To deny there was Palestine before 1948 was to deny me an ancestral history, my grandparents and their families, my uncles and aunts, and the hardships they endured when they had to flee in early 1948.

I even described the cause as part of a homage I can’t escape.

A year ago, I was having a drink with one of my dear cousins, who I knew was very active on social media during the Sheikh Jarrah Campaign two years ago. As we were catching up, she mentioned that she’s still active and putting effort into Palestine. These past weeks I remembered this conversation very well, especially what I had told her. My polite self of course, first congratulated her, then came the worry that was translated into me saying something like “Are you sure this is the cause you want to put all your efforts on? I mean it’s endless with little hope?” She of course confirmed that it is what she mostly cares about.

Like with everything else in my life, I compartmentalized Palestine, the cause, and the people into a corner that I can give attention to whenever there is an event, a massacre, a political detour, a cultural event, or a film to consume…

Generation X

A few years ago as I was beginning to understand what being in my mid-forties meant, I started to feel some sort of guilt that wasn’t personal but generational.

I mean we generally spent a good part of our 20s and 30s criticizing our parents' generation and their Naksa blues, after of course we heard from our grandparents about their Nakba blues and all the in-betweens. For one, they had their dreams and political affiliations, some small wins here and there. But now as I am approaching my 50’s, what have we done for Palestine? What have we done to Jordan? To Lebanon, Syria? Have we really at least solved women's rights issues? Have we contributed economically to alleviating poverty? Have we made long-lasting changes in any of our communities? Something we can be proud of as a generation?

The Global South

I can’t begin to describe how images from demonstrations around the world have made me feel connected in my grief and my anguish. The videos of support from different people were both heartwarming and gave validation when -unfortunately was needed-.

Though solidarity from Western societies counted, it manifested how far nation-states in the West were from a big part of their communities. As the days passed, more and more distinct communities from everywhere made sure to call the genocide and atrocities what they were.

• Jewish people screamed “Not in our name” and “Never again is NOW”
• The indigenous people of what is now the US, Canada, and Australia who chanted, dressed, sang, and danced their solidarity in the streets.
• Black communities in the US chanting “Palestinian Lives Matter” and “All lives matter”.

The learning everyone is doing along the way is phenomenal. Especially the Diaspora itself in large numbers. Be it Palestinian History, Indigenous history, Global Capitalism, Boycott, Blackwater and it goes on.

Every day, I feel the collective love from strangers brought together by the humanity of the Palestinian cause and the steadfastness of the people of Gaza.

With this solidarity comes a lesson, that our struggle is not the only victim of a global system built on competition for hegemony above everything else.

The Pledge

Whether the truce holds permanently or not; the savage occupation entity in Palestine will continue its atrocities as it has done for a over century.

In my attempt to draw a clearer path for myself moving forward, I decided once again to commit myself to a pledge. This time, it’s going to have varying degrees of hardship. So for some reason, I decided to communicate it through three pyramids.

Each pyramid is centered around a type of support that I thought I needed to do to free myself FROM systems that limit my freedom and oppress me.

The diagram I made includes the three pyramids. In each, the level of hardship increases as you go to the top.

I share it with you as a form of commitment from myself to the cause.

This is very personal. What's hard for me could be easier for you and vice versa. A very personal journey and we can’t shame each other into it nor be told aggressively what needs to be done, and when that can be done.

As many now have realized and said: Gaza’s attempt at freedom, has caused all of us to want to be free too. And as with Gaza, freedom has a price and it's never given for free.

Let’s learn with and from each other. Each may draw their path to freedom.

I wish you a deliberate path to a more content-free living.

Photo by Mohammed Ibrahim on Unsplash

The third season of The Detour Podcast is finally out!

Continuing on the positive feedback I received on the previous seasons, I started inviting guests and recording back in December 2022.

I managed to use better cameras this season which enabled the editing process to go much smoother. Also, I managed to upgrade the mics and mic arms.
Still, the production took a lot of time and I am hoping to use AI-powered editing tools for the 4th season next year to be more efficient! Maybe invite more than 6 guests, who knows. Also, i will get someone to help me out to be able to record myself better :-D

Enough of the geeky studio talk, you are here to watch/listen to the amazing stories this season's guests will share with us.

To support this effort, please share the episodes you found personally inspiring with your friends.

Salam,

Razan

The Detour Podcast: Randi Abdin

حديثي مع راندي عابدين عن بداية شغفها بالرقص والحركة ومسار حياتها مع كل التحويلات والاختيارات المختلفة A my conversation with Randi Abdin about the beginning of her passion for dance and movement, the road with all the detours and the different choices she made.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Dr. Mary Kawar

حديثي مع الدكتورة ماري قعوار حول استجابتها لنداء العمل من أجل تحقيق العيش الكريم لكل إنسان، و عن المثابرة والقدرة على التكيف مع التركيز على الهدف المنشود. My conversation with Dr. Mary Kawar about following a calling to help create conditions that allow dignified human living, about persistence…

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Salua Qidan

حديثي مع سلوى قعدان، قصتها في مواجهة الصعوبات بتبني المرونة والتأقلم، وكيف أن الانفتاح الحقيقي على الفرص يساعد على إيجاد جذور الشخص وربما شغفه في الحياة. My conversation with Salua Qidan, her story of overcoming tough beginnings by embracing adaptability, and…

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Karim Arafat

حديثي مع كريم عرفات حول التحويلات المختلفة التي مر بها ودخوله عالم الخبز ليصبح مخبزه من اهم المخابز في عمّان My conversation with Karim Arafat about the different detours he has taken until becoming a baker and running a popular bakery in Amman.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Shireen Talhouni

حديثي مع شيرين التلهوني حول التحديات المجتمعيه لثقافة الرقص المعاصر وطريقها من هندسة العمارة الى تصميم الرقص My conversation with Shireen Talhouni about the signs that lead to a huge detour, and about the dance between defiance and acceptance.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Nabil Tarazi

حديثي مع نبيل ترزي عن الرحلة التي غيرت حياته وعن السفر البديل والاستدامة. My conversation with Nabil Tarazi about the trip that changed his life, about alternative travel and sustainability.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

I’ve been consumed by this question all week,

Why do some survive and others don’t? Yes, the oldest existential question.

I mean how do those of us who survive a loss, should feel? When it’s this close. For me, it was the loss of my sister, Rima.

How do we escape survivor guilt? How do we deal with this random luck?

The hell with luck!

Last year, while I was having a cancer scare for about two weeks - before the negative results came back - I couldn’t find a reason to ask for a no-cancer result that wasn’t selfish. Well, I am not special, not in any way more than the many women who get diagnosed with cancer every year. In the end, the only special thing I found about me was that my ill mother still needed me. I said, just for her, she needs me strong.

We survive countless times a day, yet I believe survival will always be tied to a moment in time. Present tense.

"I survived” is equal to "I am alive" with all that comes from stating such a sentence from well and force.

I'd like to think that those of us who survive, can find solace in telling stories. Stories about those we lost and about how we are surviving them.

For the 14 souls we lost on September 13th, and the days after, when the building you called home fell and chattered your dreams and broke the hearts of your loved ones.

May your stories be told and the time you had with us be always cherished and remembered with a mix of both feeling privileged and content.

I made this short video from footage taken during a solidarity sit-in organized for the survivors, and for the families, friends, and neighbors of those we lost.

It’s been three weeks since we woke up to the news of your tragic loss.

Up until that moment, I knew who you are and what you do and I knew you were also my aunt and cousins’ lovely neighbor and friend.

Though, I usually steer away from collective anger and grief as much as I can. There comes a moment when I decide to get consumed or stay on the sidelines watching from a distance. I learned to do that as a young adult after advice from my parents who were worried about how consumed and sad I become from unjust worldly events I have no control over.

Oh, Shireen, how your loss topped the scale of not only injustice but brutality, utter cruelty, and plain murder. Moments after learning the terrible news, I knew I was in, and deep. I was immediately overwhelmed, consumed with sadness and disbelief for several days. Watching how your Palestine said goodbye to you, was an unforgettable reel.

Shireen, for your family, friends, and close colleagues, you are irreplaceable. May they find  solace as they endure the pain of losing you. Yet I know from humble experience, that they will spend the rest of their lives missing you.

To the murderers, - whatever they otherwise call themselves - punishment is not an option. To them, a video of your murder is another PR disaster. A PR debt, they need to pay on some future negotiating table when buying or selling something. They can never accept nor confess this as a crime.

Yet for the rest of us though, you became an icon. An icon like no other we’ve experienced before.

A new breed of hero. Not one that promises the masses of a victory, nor theatrically defies the powerful.

We are in awe as we embrace your legacy with love and admiration.

For you to be a woman, a former daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin yet not a mother; reminds us of all of what’s possible.

For you to be a reporter, a field reporter in a war zone; brings in plain sight the risk you and your colleagues take every day to bring us human stories. To nurture our empathy, and compassion and compel action, not just sensational news.

For you to be a Palestinian, an American, a Jerusalemite, and a Ramallah resident only to remind us of the diverse and rich geo-identity a lot of us in diaspora carry within.

For you to be a Christian-born Palestinian reaffirms an important baseline; that the people, the land, the history, and the struggle is for all those who experience it.

For you to follow on your calling, despite the danger it brings you, and not let it stop you from carrying on is a loud reminder of how pursuing a life of material gain and comfort over following our calling is devoid of meaning.

To be accomplished according to all usual and unusual human-made metrics and not show it off in life or on social media, nor become larger than life is a sobering reminder of where we allow our ego to take us.

For you to be a symbol of many other deeds we will never know, but belong to your private self and circle of loved ones. We are still in awe.

All of you mattered as much as you made whole people and their stories matter.

Thank you.

May you be in an alternative universe where you are still delivering that voice to a different less harsh world.

I love to present you with the second season of The Detour Podcast!

Continuing on the positive feedback I recieved on the first season, I started inviting guests and recording back in November, 2021.

And after investing further into my home studio in terms of equiment and learning time, I was able to record all episodes in video as well available on my YouTube Channel, you can access the playlist here.

The Detour Podcast: Rania Atalla

The Detour Podcast: A conversation with Rania Atallah about the detours she’s taken in her career and about life & grief.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Deema Shahin

The Detour Podcast: A conversation with Deema Shahin about the detours she’s taken in her career and about living with MS.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Ola El Khalidi

The Detour Podcast: A conversation with Ola El Khalidi about how her love for music has taken her into adventures and detours in her life so far.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Sally Shalabi

The Detour Podcast: A conversation with Sally Shalabi about her different detours and experiences she went through.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Samer Kurdi

The Detour Podcast: A conversation with Samer Kurdi about his widely different experiences and the detours he took up until today, working as a humanitarian.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Rana Husseini

The Detour Podcast: A conversation with Rana Husseini about the different events that pushed her into detours into becoming a women rights activist, with commentary on the state of feminism in Jordan today.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

After more than a year  of research, watching maybe a thousand videos, and reading articles while building my own home studio here in Amman, I finally got time to write this short guide with my recommendation into the different setups you might need depending on the purpose you have in mind.

The road here wasn't free of mistakes, none were drastic thankfully, so for those of you who want to embark on a similar effort this post will hopefully help you.

Lets first set the expectations:

• What started this for me was the idea that I wanted to start a podcast. Soon after, it morphed into the possibility of creating online courses, potentially a youtube channel, and reviving my short/documentary filmmaking hobby. So I divided the guide into the different uses a home studio might serve you.
• Everything I bought was on a budget, so finding the cheapest best quality was the baseline I went with when deciding what to buy - mostly.
• I will not be promoting any specific gear over others but will sure share the exact category in italic, which you can use to do your own research. In some cases, I listed specs of gear you might want to get, to make the process much easier.
• For podcasting, I do mention the software I chose to make it easier.
• In each category, I list 3 different budget setups.

Do watch this funny video of my journey till date and some of the lessons I learned along the way :-D

PODCASTING

OVERVIEW: Dynamic microphones are your best choice for recording a podcast because they give you that radio broadcast voice and they are perfect to use in any room as they don't pick up much of your room noise or echo. Those microphones usually come with an XLR connection that needs an Audio Interface or a Mixer to connect to your laptop/tablet/mobile devices or into a digital recorder. Few come with both XLR and USB as well. Find them :)

Budget

1. A USB Condenser Microphone placed 5 cm from your mouth.
2. Anchor App for audio or Zoom for remote call video + audio.
3. GarageBand or Audacity for audio recording & editing (Free) you can find other software listed here.
4. You can use Auphonic to automate the post-production of your audio.
5. For hosting your podcast, you can view the options listed here. Most will have monthly/yearly subscription plans.

Budget +

1. A Dynamic USB Microphone placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. Zoom for remote call video and audio.
3. GarageBand or Audacity for audio recording & editing (Free) you can find other software listed here.
4. You can use Auphonic to automate the post-production of your audio.
5. For hosting your podcast, you can view the options listed here. Most will have monthly/yearly subscription plans.

Budget ++

1. Two Dynamic USB/XLR Microphones placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. A two-channel (or more) Audio Interface/Mixer.
3. Riverside/Squadcast/Zencastr for better quality remote calls video/ audio.
4. GarageBand or Audacity for audio recording & editing (Free) you can find other software listed here.
5. You can use Auphonic (Free+) to automate the post-production of your audio.
6. For hosting your podcast, you can view the options listed here. Most will have monthly/yearly subscription plans.

INSTAGRAM/FACEBOOK

This part is for small business owners who want to keep creating content for their followers. Budget gear to help you create better quality content to engage your customers on social media using FB or IG live/stories/reels.

Budget

1. A lavaliere microphone (clip-on mic) or a small shotgun microphone placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. Your Smartphone with HD 30/60 or 4k
3. 48w small led lights for fill light.
4. A desktop tripod or selfie stick.

Budget +

1. A lavalier microphone (clip-on mic) or a small shotgun microphone placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. Your Smartphone with HD 30/60 or 4k video recording. Focus App for a blurry background.
3. Ring light for the key light, a 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.
4. A smartphone rig for outdoor vlogging to rig the mic and lights on and to enable you to give your shots more stability.

Budget ++

1. A wireless microphone so you move freely and have someone else shoot the video or vice versa.
2. Your Smartphone with HD 30/60 or 4k video recording. Focus App for a blurry background.
3. Ring light for the key light, a 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.
4. A smartphone gimbal to give you a smooth stable shots indoors and outdoors.

YOUTUBE CHANNEL

This part is for those who have the stuff to share on YouTube, can be your life and adventures video logged, or reviews for gear, tools, or any area you have interest and expertise in, or can be educational, inspiring, or how-to content that helps you reach an audience who find it interesting.

Budget

1. A lavalier microphone (clip-on mic) or a small shotgun microphone. Placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. HD 1080p Webcam
3. Zoom for screen sharing a presentation while you narrate the video.
4. 48w small led lights for fill light.
5. A desktop tripod

Budget +

1. A USB microphone is placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. Your Smartphone with HD 60 or 4k video recording. Focus App for a blurry background.
3. Zoom for screen sharing a presentation while you narrate the video.
4. Ring light for the key light, a 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.
5. A desktop tripod

Budget ++

1. On-camera shotgun microphone for vlogging or a wireless microphone for talking head videos. Placed 10 cm from your mouth.
2. A Compact, DSLR, or Mirrorless Camera with HD 1080p/30 with wi-fi/Bluetooth. Mic input and a fully articulated screen are a convenient plus. Alternatively, you can record audio into your smartphone and sync audio in post-production. Also, you can connect your phone via wifi/Bluetooth to your camera brand app to view the shot as you are recording.
3. Zoom for screen-sharing a presentation while you narrate the video.
4. Softbox or Ring light for the key light, 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.

SHORT/DOCUMENTARY FILMMAKING

This part is for those of us who have an urge to tell some stories but are too intimidated by the technical details of light, videography, and audio and being forced to be a jack of all trades. I decided finally to face the beast and dig deeper bit by bit.

Budget

1. A dual lavaliere microphone placed 10 cm from your or your subject mouth.
2. Your pro-Smartphone with HD 60 or 4k video recording.
3. Good smartphone wide-angle and telephoto lenses.
4. Softbox or Ring light for the key light, 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.
5. A tripod with smartphone support.

Budget +

1. A dual-channel wireless microphone for interviews.
2. A Compact, DSLR, or Mirrorless Camera with HD 1080p/30 with wi-fi/Bluetooth. Mic input and a fully articulated screen are a convenient plus. Alternatively, you can record audio into your smartphone and sync audio in post-production. Also, you can connect your phone via wifi/Bluetooth to your camera brand app to monitor/control the shot as you are recording.
3. Ring light for the key light, a 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.
4. A tripod and a camera rig for stable shots.

Budget ++

1. A boomed small-diaphragm condenser microphone for indoor dialogue or a long shotgun microphone for outdoor dialogue. Alternatively, a dual-channel wireless microphone can be used too.
2. A camera mixer with an XLR/3.5mm input to connect the microphone to the camera or a 3.5mm input audio recorder. You can also buy an audio recorder with two or more XLR inputs at a higher cost.
3. A DSLR or Mirrorless Camera with HD 1080p/60 with wi-fi/Bluetooth, a mic input, and a fully articulated screen.
4. Softbox or Ring light for the key light, 48w/96w small led lights for fill light.
5. A tripod + a standard mic stand(s) that you can use to boom the microphone.
6. A camera gimbal for a variety of very stable shots indoors or outdoors.

Hope the guide is useful and please do drop a comment or message me if you like to have a conversation about your future home studio. Been and still is a super exciting journey!

LOCAL GEAR SHOPPING GUIDE

Please note that none of the retailers I mention in this video are sponsors nor  have paid me to mention them here.

• For podcasting and recording vocals the best shop with a variety of options for microphones and audio interfaces is Abdeen Electronics in downtown, they do have an online store. other places to look into are Audio Wave.
• For vlogging and going live on Facebook and Instagram, you can find good gear on many Facebook shops' pages.
• For adapters and connectors and the general computer gear, many shops In Garden Street but I like professionals computer and City Center shops.
• For camera gear and audio for video the shop I love the most is all the way in Mafraq called CameraJo why? Well, they do have a website with all of what they sell with updated stock, they also have a mobile app! In addition, they are very helpful and extremely professional. Another shop you might want to check is in Irbid and it's called YouCam, they have an updated Facebook page and shop. In Amman, you can check Al-Farouq Center, Image-one, and Mirat.

PS. Here is a list of the YouTubers who I learned so much from and who helped me make a lot of the decisions on gear and technique.

• Postage for microphone reviews.
• Chris Judd for audio/lighting reviews and guides.
• DSLR Video Shooter for camera, lighting tutorials, rigs, and great hacks.
• Zdenka Darula for gear reviews and photography tips.
• Think Media team for a lot of guides especially budget ones.
• Fellow Filmmaker for grear reviews and guides.
• Crimson Engine for documentary and narrative filmmaking tutorials.

Attempting to nudge myself back into writing after almost 8 months of producing only one piece of writing has not been an easy feat. Neither is trying to contribute thoughts in a drastically changed world since the pandemic started almost 18 months ago.

The initial shock into mass-felt humbleness later faded into horror, anxiety, forced solitude, boredom, and mediocrity of purpose to some. Never has humanity united so massively in living along the edge of the uncertain as we have this past year and a half.

While having a conversation with a friend the other day, he was rounding up ways in which the world has gone mad, found myself mumbling to him how life makes no sense at the macro level, that its beauty can always be seen on the micro, individual level.

Yet, the macro (world stage) is as gloomy as it ever was, one could argue it has grown more texture, and some visible roots or living in it for over 46 years produces that view. Even on the micro level when amplified by social media, has gotten so noisy it takes deliberate effort to find the source of inspiration that might move you. Even loss became a mass-felt experience, leaving each one of us normalizing the one part of life, that has perplexed humanity into centuries of discovery become the every day, sort-of.

What’s left really?

Maybe my quest to live more deliberately is a defensive mechanism into which I channel any hint of desperation? Maybe a toolbox I grab to find a solution to dilemmas that faces me?

I feel we are most amazing when we feel connected. When we feel heard, interacted with, when we relate and when we help make beautiful memories.

At the heart of any attempt at reaching this amazing, is growing our capability to relate to everything living around us. Our urban living, divisive politics, the internet, and its toolbox, nuclear families we form and protect only to feel trapped within, all of that and more if anything is a war against empathy, against connecting and letting our consciousness drive meaning.

Empathy is no longer an automatic response most of us feel out-of-the-box anymore. At its best is a momentary experience which if didn’t last few minutes might last few days. Then our indulgent day-to-day creeps in before we could make meaning out of the experience let alone a lasting action of some sort.

Never has empathy needed to be an intentional force to our being as it is today.

Back in the day, novels introduced empathy en masse. To enjoy a novel, one has to feel with the main character at least get into their world and understand their struggle. You can’t enjoy a novel without empathy. So it goes consuming films and tv shows, with the added visual reinforcement. Yet I feel novels still allow for the kind of imagination and longer time needed to strengthen empathy.

Whether some believe that intention is at the heart of our world or those that don’t, inherit is the reality that there is much we don’t know about. Rendering all of us vulnerable to a similar almost exact degree, at least where it matters the most. Many of the choices we are presented with are built upon complex paths of both our own choices but mostly on choices that were made for us, be it a creed, race, tribe, gender, geography, or language. To a degree where we might want to define human life itself as an attempt at uniqueness, to some at least.

Yet, at every significant intersection, we pick one aspect and make it the whole of who we are. However normal this behavior is to our humanity, yet we can’t escape how it’s emotionally geared toward canceling or belittling the other. Even if temporarily, and even if righteously driven, defensively charged, or logically reasoned. Then again, this is our nature and no reason to hate nor love it the same way we don’t hate not having an extra hand nor regretting having a fifth toe.

Yet, how can we nudge each other into more empathy?

How can we find comfort amongst those that we think understand us and the world similarly yet not alienate ourselves from everyone that doesn’t?

How can we engage with the other without losing a part of who we are and what we stand for?

How can we bring ourselves to sometimes discuss the mundane without sounding too righteously superior?

I am not trying to simplify the complex, neither belittle bigger issues here, my thesis if any is how can we deliberately through all forms of expression and mediums nudge ourselves and those who hear us into letting everyone just be.

I would love to present to you:

The Detour Podcast

بودكاست تحويلة

A project I've been working for a year now but only started last November. With the lockdowns and waves, I've managed to record six episodes.

The podcast is all about celebrating those always on a quest to learn themselves into new abilities. Each individual shares their journey so far in their lives and the drive they had, tools they used, and their own insights into what made the detour happen and how they got it done.

In the first season, I interview six friends I've been fond of their journeys, their courage, energy, and drive. They continue to inspire me.

Here they are! You can listen to each episode here, but click the link to read their bios and maybe subscribe!

The Detour Podcast: Alma Khasawnih

A conversation with Alma Khasawnih about the different pathways she’s taken into getting her Ph.D. in Feminist Studies. Listen to "With Alma Khasawnih مع ألمى خصاونة" on Spreaker. About Alma My name is alma. I study graffiti. I used to be an artist. I want to become

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Annie Sakkab

A conversation with Annie Sakkab about the different pathways she’s taken into becoming a documentary filmmaker and a photo journalist. Listen to “With Annie Sakkab - مع اني سكّاب [English]” on Spreaker.About AnnieAnnie is a Palestinian freelance photojournalist and an Independent filmmaker based in…

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Diala Khasawnih

A conversation with Diala Khasawnih about the different pathways she’s taken into becoming an artist.

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Lamia Fakhoury

A conversation with Lamia Fakhoury about the wildly different stops and adventures into becoming a sculptor. Listen to “With Lamia Fakاoury مع لمياء فاخوري [English + بالعربية]” on Spreaker.About LamiaA video producer, turned coffee roaster, turned private mediator. Sculpting since 2005.. currently…

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Reef Fakhouri

A conversation with Reef Fakhouri about the her journey from media and communications into growing a social kitchen. Listen to “With Reef Fakhouri مع ريف فاخوري” on Spreaker.About ReefReef in Arabic means countryside, the fertile land, and also “Reef Alayn” is the part of the eye that protects it

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

The Detour Podcast: Suhail Abusameed

A conversation with Suhail Abusameed about his journey so far and the different detours he’s taken. Listen to “With Suhail Abusameed مع سهيل ابو السميد” on Spreaker. About Suhail Suhail has been working in the field of gender justice and SGBV prevention at a programming, research and analysis, ser…

mind the pause by razan khatibRazan Khatib

Do drop me a message if you'd like to introduce me to someone you think I should get to know and hopefully record an episode with.

Until the following season, stay well and safe!

A big part of me and my now, life-story is that I no longer have any form of a worldly or a physical connection to my late sister. What I have, is a web of scattered memories that span 30 something years.

Since her departure, and due to no deliberate effort until thinking and writing this post, I have somewhat managed to reconstruct parts of my relationship with Rima through my two brothers and their wives, partner, and close friends.

Whenever a discussion around adoption happens, the question of whether to adopt one or two kids gets asked, then a reference to how essential it is to adopt a brother or a sister to the kid you might think of adopting. I usually argue against this type of thinking, the main point being that cousins can serve such a need. My answer, unsurprisingly, doesn’t always satisfy the person I’m conversing with.

What is it about having blood-siblings that translates into being an essential human experience? Is it a direct consequence of being driven to create nuclear families as means of survival within our urban scattered living?

Siblings, for me, are those humans that know the early days of my evolution into the adult I am today, specifically the childhood and teenage years. As the eldest, my siblings were also my early experiments, my early staff, mentees, and students! They are people I can go crazy around, get angry, get emotional without worrying about what they must think of me or any consequences. In a nutshell, they know the crazy, and of everyone else, I can confidently feel I can count on them staying around.

That’s so precious, and for the life of me, I can’t understand how some could be estranged from their own sister or brother. In the same way, I don’t understand how a 40+ adult can be estranged from one of their parents. Still, I understand sometimes there are some lines when crossed; there is no way back even with family. Still, I admit, it breaks my heart when I hear of it.

For someone who spent a lot of their young age around cousins, I think they are truly second to siblings. For others, though not my own experience, childhood friends that one maintains being close to well into adulthood are an equal treasure. They also know the early days and consequently know that crazy and, for many, still, stick around.

But what about everyone else? Do we try to create that level of being truly ourselves with those friends we met later in life? Can we truly treat a friend like a blood-sibling or a cousin?

I know it’s customary for us to describe close friendships as brotherly or sisterly, yet I ask myself, do we truly feel that? On the same level, we feel with siblings? This freedom to be who we are at any moment without fear of consequence? Do we allow ourselves to let the crazy out amongst those we say are our close friends? Most importantly, do we allow ourselves to appear truly vulnerable around them?

Moving on to life-partners. Beyond the essential physical intimacy we share with our partners, does the everyday absorb a good portion of that crazy?

I am sure it does. Maybe the question here is, do we feel safe doing that all the time, or do we fear practically looking less sexy and desirable as time goes by? On the other hand, has our expanded urban living forced us to keep friends and cousins at bay, only for fun outings? Focusing all of our energy and subsequent needs in terms of support and companionship solely on our life-partners, adding even more weight to an already complex relationship?

Those questions, with time, can force you into some kind of leap. One that expands the boundaries upon which we build our support system.

Maybe in my case, I was forced into it because of my loss and the mess I was left with when half of my family fell terminally ill. Yet as the years have passed, I have unintentionally built a foundation that provided support and less aloneness.

As it happens, a few of my friends and I are rethinking the common understanding of individuality, independence, and familial ties into a more communal existence where friends, close cousins join siblings to form several webs of support and shared resources into closer bonds.

Though still in its early stages, we are treading our way into getting closer without fringing on each other’s individuality and independence. Another dance I am excited for us to experience more of in the few months, years to come.

Making the effort of growing closer bonds another angle of my quest to live more deliberately.